This Saturday, I will graduate from college with an Associates in Early Childcare.
Crossroads are funny things. As pagans we tend to think of them as great mystical portals and places of sacred power. But in day to day life we interact with crossroads all the time and give them barely a thought. We decide what to have for breakfast, we decide what route to take to work, we decide how to prioritize our workload. All of these decisions are small, but they can impact our entire day and on some occasions, our entire life.
I am the sort of person who believes that choices are, at best 50/50. You can use your best judgement, think carefully about the outcome, and consider all points of view, and still have everything turn to shit in your hands. I also believe that hindsight is perfect, and it doesn’t do to blame yourself overmuch for things that can not be changed. Nature does not move backwards, but is perpetual, and so much we be, moving forward through our life and accepting the cycles as they come.
Easier fucking said than done.
About a year ago I lost a well paying job. Since then I have been working hard at school and opening my business The Red Lass Emporium. I still want to get a full time job but they are few and far between for childcare. I would be happy enough for a decent part time teacher’s aid position, which would enable me to continue with my education both financially and experience wise. My long term goal is to be a high school English teacher. That will take a masters degree. Another 3-4 years of schooling. Not bad considering it took me 5 to complete my associates from community college.
There are other things developing as well. My wife of 9 years and I have been talking for a while now about having children. We have even spoken to a friend of ours about providing sperm. The process is a long and frightening one. The agreement has always been that we wouldn’t try for children until we both had graduated college and had a steady job. (See the pattern forming yet?) Not to mention that a child is a HUGE life changing step. it is something we both want in our lives but at the same time we enjoy our selfishness just a bit. We like sleeping in late. We like picking up and going where we want when we want. We like having a rum and coke or two after a hard day. We like having copious sex whenever we feel in the mood. All these things change when a child enters the picture. It may not change in the way you think or it might be just as bad or worse. I am without illusions about child rearing. It can be hard, thankless, selfless and absolutely consume your life. it can also be brilliant, life affirming, and the greatest confirmation of your ability as a life giver. (And plus there will never be such a thing as a clean house AGAIN, or at least till you can enact child labor.)
And lastly, we have started the conversation about the possibility of a house. Urrgh. When I think of a house all I am of two minds. One sees the labor, the bills, the responsibility, the credit, the money, the repairs, the permanence, the effort, the time. The other sees the sense of ownership, the making of something that belongs to us, the setting in of roots, the creative possibilities, a place that is OURS.
So there you have it. My three faces. Job, Home, Family. All of this looming on me as I try to think of the coming graduation, the party, and seeing my family again. Don’t get me wrong, I look forward to this weekend and everything happening! I really am excited to see my mom and grandmom and have everyone get together for the BBQ and going out on the town! I’m so excited.
And at the same time I stay awake at night and think about how to ebb the flow of the river as the rains pour down on me and mine.
Someone remind me why I ever wanted adulthood.
Witchcraft and Wonderings 